Men I've Dated Represented as Pokemon

Gotta Date 'em all

I’ve gone out with enough men to know that the process of dating can feel like a game. To be more precise, it’s like playing Pokémon. However, in this version, it’s not about catching the perfect match so much as letting go of the wrong ones.

Ditto

A shy, nice coworker, I had a crush on Ditto for six months before we finally hooked up after a pub crawl. I thought it would be smooth sailing from there. Then I learned his lack of speaking wasn’t because he was shy. It was because he had literally zero hobbies or interests.

He had no opinions on music, books, or anything, really. However, once he figured out what I liked, he molded himself into a fan as well. I’m not a narcissist, so seeing myself reflected in my partner didn’t do it for me. I said goodbye to Ditto.

Voltorb

Voltorb was a comedian and by far the most self-destructive person I’ve ever known. But he was very funny. Sure, he might yell at me for no reason (or because I suggested that seven shots of tequila were probably enough), but it’s hard to hate someone who delivers great punchlines.

Yet jokes only make something bearable for so long. There was a lot he did to give himself grief. Maybe he shouldn’t have done drugs the night before an interview. Nor was it wise to go on stage drunk so many times that the host stopped booking him until he got it together. In the end, it didn’t matter how hilarious he was. There were too many missed appointments, opportunities, and dates. I don’t miss Voltorb.

Snorlax

While not actually a very large man, my Snorlax embodied the hefty Pokémon’s spirit. He was the kind of guy who thought coming home from work, taking off his pants, and settling down to a Netflix marathon until bedtime was the height of fun. This wouldn’t have been so bad if it had happened only on weekdays (I understand the need to decompress after a long day), except that it occurred during the weekends as well. If I wanted to go for a walk, he’d say, “After this episode.”

It was never just one episode.

I found myself less active, slowly becoming one with my couch. The only way to get him up was by playing his magic flute. This sedentary lifestyle might work for some, but I cut my losses and we went our separate ways.

Mr. Mime

The silent type, Mr. Mime was unable to express his feelings. As a result, I never knew when something was wrong or if he just didn’t feel like talking. I’d have to read his body language and guess from gestures if I’d annoyed him. It shouldn’t take an hour to figure out whether someone wants to go to the park or not. I needed someone who knew how to communicate with their words. Thus, I said my last ones to him and looked forward to a louder future.

Muk

A toxic man I met at a work event, Muk, seemed OK at first. Unfortunately, when we were out with my friends, he’d constantly say passive-aggressive comments. For example, he called me an adorable little idiot in front of his pals. But he said, “adorable,” so that made it all right! Or at least I certainly thought so at the time. I made excuses for him to the detriment of my friendships. Eventually, he skipped past the passive part and got so aggressive that I could no longer defend him.

Muk left a trail of messy fights, making it impossible for my friends to be around me. It took a while to wash away the poisonous drama he left behind. Truth be told, I didn’t feel clean for a very long time.

Mew

The rarest man I’ve ever encountered. A perfect match for my dark jokes, usually able to throw quips right back at me. He understood my anxiety and exactly how to calm me down without being overbearing. Our nights and days were filled with joy and food.

But we were both young and just passing through the same city. He flew off, and I didn’t find another equal to him for a long time.

Mewtwo

This one was a mistake, mostly my own. Mewtwo looked a lot like Mew, so I latched onto them right away on the rebound. I thought if I worked hard enough, Mewtwo would become more like his predecessor. My constant harping on his habits, to recreate someone else, took their toll, and our relationship soured into something abusive until it ended in a fiery explosion of emotions.

Gastly

Gastly was a handsome guy I met via a dating app. We hung out for a month, with no outward problems. Then, without a word, he disappeared. I wonder if he’s still on that app, haunting the profiles of other girls who are now just as confused as I am about what went wrong.