I Hope You'll Be Comfortable in My Guest Room Even Though I've Made That Nearly Impossible
Sweet dreams! Try not to snore, the walls are thin.
Jenny, you’re here! It’s been forever since you came to visit. You must be tired. Let me take you to the guest room. Yes! I have a guest room now. It’s so much better than using the couch. I hope you’ll be comfortable, even if it seems like I took every opportunity to design the guest room to ensure the opposite.
What do I mean? Take a look at the bed. Once you can find it, that is. As you can see, 13 to 60 pillows are atop a heavy comforter. You’ll have to put most of those pillows on the floor each night, creating a dangerous maze to navigate when you get up to pee. Then, in the morning, unless you want to be considered rude, you’ll need to return them precisely as they were. I guess you should have taken a picture before you started tossing pillows, huh?
Don’t stress. You’ll figure it out. What you won’t figure out during your stay is the controls. We have different ones for the lights, fans, TV, sound system, those other lights, and the AC. Each also happens to be correlated with a switch on the wall. Oh, and all the remotes are identical. They’re unlabeled to go with the bedroom’s “why would anyone do this?” theme. You should check out my Pinterest board. I’m thinking about adding a little doorbell that alerts me when you leave the room so I can come to check if you are happy or need anything.
Outside your window, you have a sweeping view of the patio. Every morning, my family and I love to gather and discuss politics or gossip about things you’ll have no background on very loudly. It’s kind of a thing in our family. Those who talk the loudest get to speak. You can open your window and join in! You won’t even have other barriers in the way, as the lace curtains are pretty see-through. Don’t you just love the light they let into the room at all hours? In my opinion, that kind of atmosphere trumps privacy any day.
Now, no room is complete without a focal point. And since I don’t half-ass anything, this room has seven focal points. One-of-a-kind antiques and heirlooms mostly. Just priceless objects or ones of significant emotional value. Why yes, they’re all extremely breakable, so much so that you’ll be walking on eggshells all week to avoid breaking a Fabergé egg from my dead Russian great-grandmother. I want this room to say to guests, “I trust you like family. That’s why you’re in my home.” You wouldn’t break my trust by breaking my most prized possessions, would you? Because that would make me question if I want to continue our relationship, Jenny.
I think that’s all you need to know for tonight. Sweet dreams. Should you need the bathroom, remember that the toilet is old and very loud, so you’ll have to stand there holding the lever for a minute while the rushing water sounds probably wakes up the house.
Night!